The Battle of Valentine’s — The Full Love Story

Roses are red, violets are blue…We went for five and came back with two.

On a beautiful February afternoon — sunshine, blue sky and the false optimism that only rugby players have— Gravesend RFC 2s made the perilous 100-metre journey up the hill to face Old Gravesendians in the Valentine’s derby.

The Super 2s arrived on the back of two dominant wins and confidence was high… right up until Friday night when availability did what availability always does. Eight changes later, two old boys had been persuaded back into 2^nd team boots and Paul had disappeared completely. At time of writing, he remains missing and is now legally classed as a rumour.

Despite this, Gravesend fielded a side with an average age of 21 and a back row averaging approximately Year 13.

Two debutants entered senior rugby:

William “The Duke of Nursted” Stearns — apparently 2345^th in line to the throne tackled everything including at least one teammate and a yellow on debut and a terrible winger.

Max Steel — a prop created in a secret GRFC laboratory. Baby-faced but carries like a man settling a personal dispute about Big Mac’s.

Both immediately looked comfortable, which coaches described as “encouraging but also slightly worrying as they still needed parents to drop them off.”

Kick Off (and Immediate Panic)

Gravesend won the toss and after a deep tactical discussion of “downhill good”, elected to play with the slope.

Old Gs kicked off.Gravesend didn’t catch it.

This would become a theme.

Eventually, after several phases of rugby that could best be described as enthusiastic, Gravesend remembered they possessed a scrum. One dominant shove later and Cookie crossed for the opening try. At this point his hamstring was still attached to his body.

Shortly after, Old Gs kindly kicked possession straight back to him. Cookie ran, realised he is no longer 19, felt his hamstring explode, but still somehow produced a basketball offload to Euan “Rodney” Huckle who ran in untouched. Medical science cannot explain it. 

Old Gs hit back after identifying several heavy Gravesend forwards isolated in midfield and moving around them at speed.

Then Rodney intercepted another pass and ran in from distance, confirming centres are happiest when decision-making is removed entirely. Just before half time Gravesend received a yellow card for a breakdown offence best described as “hopeful”, and Old Gs scored again.

Half-time: Gravesend leading, while simultaneously playing their worst rugby of the season.

Second Half — The Wheels Wobble

Now facing uphill and increasingly tired, the warning signs appeared early. Old Gs pinned Gravesend on their own line and scored out wide.

Then they scored again after five missed tackles.

Gravesend now two tries down and breathing heavily.

Then came the turning point — they held the ball for more than three phases.

Lewis White began carrying like a man powered entirely by Lucozade.Ed Moore tackled everything that moved and a few things that didn’t.Max Steel and Ginger H ran into large men repeatedly and seemed to enjoy it.

Del Boy Dean and Rodney Huckle started finding space and after sustained pressure Rodney scored again, officially becoming public enemy number one for Old Gs.

From the restart, Gravesend produced a rare and beautiful sight: an organised rolling maul, orchestrated by Manny, Jamie et al. The forwards marched over for a pushover try and several immediately required oxygen and emotional support.

Conversion successful.Gravesend led by two points.

The Last Two Minutes (Where Everything Went Wrong again)

With under two minutes left, victory seemed certain.

Naturally, Gravesend chose chaos.

Instead of calmly exiting, an enthusiastic pass went to touch. Old Gs lineout. Phases. Pressure. Penalty.

They pointed at the posts. They kicked it.

Old Gs 36 – Gravesend 35 Final whistle immediately after.

Several Gravesend players collapsed onto the pitch staring into the middle distance, reflecting on defensive alignment, catching the ball, life choices, were roses and chocolates enough and where the F**k was Paul.

Final Thoughts

Two bonus points gained, which somehow felt both good and terrible.

Old Gs were experienced, organised and their number 7 was everywhere — man of the match by a distance and probably still contesting a ruck somewhere now.

For Gravesend, a very young side learned an important lesson: rugby matches last 80 minutes, keep hold of the ball, play the phases and make good decisions.

Plenty to build on. Plenty to improve. Plenty to discuss in the bar. 

And as the sun set over the slope, the squad retired to analyse the game in the traditional way — blaming the referee, the pitch, the slope, the ball, choosing that end first, and Paul.

Down, but very much not out.

❤️🏉

Man of the Match – Euan “Rodney” HuckleIntercept try, support lines, carries, and generally the only man on the pitch consistently remembering which direction we were going. Old Gs’ defensive coach reportedly still looking for him now.

Forward of the Day – Max Steel18 years old and already winning scrum penalties, carried hard and didn’t once ask what a “line speed” was. Promising but needs to start Benching.

Back of the Day – Harvey “Del Boy” DeanEvery kick return involved him and every time he ran it back, he beat at least two opposing  players and one member of his own.

Unsung Hero – Ed MooreSetting up the Veo, organised everyone, and spent 80 minutes contemplating the coin toss decision.

Try of the Day – The Forwards (Pushover Maul)Actual structure. Actual control.  3 of the forwards immediately needed a sit down afterwards, but it was worth it.

Hit of the Day – Duke of Nursted (Will Stearns)Introduced himself to senior rugby by tackling someone approximately twice his size and then immediately asking who was next.

Moment of the Match – Cookie’s HamstringExploded mid-sprint but still produced an offload assist. Medical miracle. Retirement rumours strongly denied (by him).

Defensive Effort – Lewis WhiteCarried like a freight train and tackled like a man powered entirely by isotonic beverages.

D of the DayPaul — still missing. Last seen agreeing a deal on a car. Search parties ongoing.